overphilosophizing

I know I'm thinking about things too hard when I start analyzing the etiology of hope. Thich Nhat Hanh doesn't believe that hope is helpful. I don't know if I do either, or if I even have any hope at this point. I don't seem to be able to make meaningful progress in this battle. I feel so close to the way I did seven years ago - and through everything that's happened, six years of therapy, doctor's visits, nutritionists, Renfrew, a Celiac diagnosis, damaging my body (and my mind) with this, I still get thrown off course by the smallest things. An appeals letter that's worded in such a way that I feel like a total fuck up despite graduating on time with honors in both of my majors and applying to grad school at the same time. Somehow this makes me "uncooperative" says HP. Well, they stopped covering me when I was being cooperative and compliant...so what do they want? Yes, I'm not always compliant, and yes, I am very, very stuck right now...but doesn't my desire to move on with things show that I have a plan and if I could just get beyond this place, goddammit, I could get better? I have never had as much hope as I did at Renfrew. My roommate just handed me a paper on which he wrote, "Even if you can't remember...you can!!" I'm not so sure, but maybe I should just take his word for it. :)