19 Days Behavior Free

That's about it. Life is incredibly stressful, I am waiting to hear from grad schools (Thursday eek!), I am still working on my thesis (theses actually), I'm kind of incredibly annoyed with my nutritionist, and I'd really like to be done with my recital, like, now.

You are a liar

and you can go fuck yourself.

8 weeks later

I graduated from IOP on Thursday night. It was time, I'm in a really good place, and I need the 15 hours a week to do school work, not that that was actually considered by my treatment team...

Life's pretty good, despite all the suck that the ex brought to it last week.

I think I may just get this recovery thing.

Dear body...

I am not happy with you right now.

Sometimes I wish our gym was open 24 hours.

And then I realize...that if that were true, I would never sleep.

Distract, distract, distract

...is what I'm going to do tonight. The ex is in a relationship on facebook. Two months to the day since he broke up with me for this girl. Seriously, are there any decent people left? I thought he was different. We were planning to spend the rest of our lives together.

I sent him a really sarcastic message and he asked me about grad school in FL. Seriously, seriously, seriously. I can't believe this.

I'm having major urges. And my stomach hurts because I'm so upset about all this.

My plan for coping tonight: knitting, some paper-writing, bed early.

At the end of break...

I still have a lot to do.

When I was in FL, I managed to get on a somewhat regular sleep/wake schedule, but I can't seem to do that at school. I know it helps to sleep like a normal person, not only because I feel rested, but also because I have enough time so that my day isn't meal-1 hour-snack-another hour-lunch-another hour-snack etcetera until I go to sleep.

So FL - interviews went very well, I liked the school, I could hear as early as Tuesday. It was a bit of a clusterfuck meal plan - wise...but I got back on track and have stayed on track. Struggling to do my food journals even though they help. Mrah. Not to be all down on myself, it's been about 10 days since I purged. I haven't gone that long since November. But, when I got back to IOP on Wednesday, I ended up talking about my slip/relapse in group a little and it was good to "come clean" and get some outside feedback because I was definitely diminishing it. I was able to see that although I had a plan, once I discarded that plan, I didn't have a backup plan, and my default is to restrict, so that's what I did. I experienced this slip/relapse differently, though. First of all, I started to get back on track before I saw my treatment team, went to IOP, or talked to anyone about it, which doesn't happen. I slip, a slip turns into a relapse, and nothing changes until I'm in a crisis situation. Rather, that's how it's always happened in the past. This was also the first time that I was fighting for the healthy decisions throughout the slip/relapse.

Thursday, also in IOP, I got reality checked. I was coming early for a meeting with my case manager, coming from therapy, where L told me that she was really concerned about the possibility of not seeing me for a week after I leave IOP. After doing the behavior review/symptom tracking thing that K does for insurance, she asked me about FL. I told her what happened and how it had really made me question whether I should be going to grad school next year at all. She made a couple of really great points, the first being that maybe FL was just showing me that I wasn't where I thought I was with my recovery. She went on to state the facts about how I needed a program to get through my last semester of college, grad schools in psych don't want a doctoral candidate with an active disorder, if I went to school right now I would probably be asked to leave, all of this stuff that was totally right but really hard to hear. And then she told me what she did, which she said two ways: eat, and go to school, and stop doing what you're doing, and go to school. Powerful stuff. And she's like, legit holysmokes recoverED and I want that so much.

So. With that said, I am eating in pursuit of going to grad school in the fall. This is easier right now because I am on break, no one is here, I don't have class or lab hours or rehearsals or cello lessons. I have to keep in mind that although everyone is telling me that what they want me to do is the most important thing, recovery is the real most important thing, because without my recovery, I will have nothing.

Lose the battle, win the war.

Onwards.

Sketchy 5 AM Story

Okay, so I have an 8 am flight and had scheduled an airport limo pickup for 5:20 am.  I was waiting outside of one of my school's buildings at, maybe...5:18 am.  This old, beat up SUV drives down the street, slows down, the driver yells to me, "Do you need a ride?"  I say, "No, I've got one, thanks."  He backs up, asks me again, asks me what my name is, I take out my phone and say, "I'm not telling you my name."  


He left, and the airport van came, and now I'm chilling at logan.


I was incredulous.  I've never had an experience like that.  It's interesting, though, that my initial reaction is to go to the gym...not to lose weight, but to become more...efficient?  Dense?  I've never thought that I give off a vibe that I'm easy to pick on...I mean, I'm solid, lots of muscle, built like a bull, same as my dad.  I don't know what this guy was smoking, but I'm glad he left, and he's glad I left, because I seriously would've went batshit on his ass.  


What. The. Fuck.


Why is this type of behavior okay in our society?