Senior week was fantastic. I couldn't have asked for a better last week of college. It involved lots of friend-time, goofing off, not much sleep, and was generally a good farewell to a place and people that I've loved for the past four years. So, so much better than being in residential this time last year.
ED-wise, I'm doing really well. Today will be 11 weeks behavior free. Almost 3 months! Crazy thoughts, but crazy good thoughts. I still have those days (like today) where the solution to everything seems to be losing weight...but what good is that going to do? Really...it's just going to make things more difficult. My body will settle where it needs to be once it realizes that I'm not going to starve it again. I really can't blame it - for the past 9 years nutrition has been completely inconsistent, and not adequate for more than 3 weeks. That, plus the malabsorption that I have because of the Celiac...my body's been through hell. I need to give it time. I had an assignment from group to make a list of non-exercise coping skills to use at home. I'll be posting it later, once I find my journal and such. That's going to be a priority today, as I am currently fighting a battle with my ED about whether going for a 3 hour run/bike ride/swim is a symptom. The answer is yes, I know that, and it's not going to happen.
So about a month before I(we) graduated, I started hanging out with this really wonderful, amazing woman who I've known for about two years and have wanted to know better. I really enjoy spending time with her...it's easy. And she makes me happy. We like the same things, I like her friends, she likes mine...all good signs. I do notice that I'm more self-conscious about my body, probably because I am more aware of it and can't just check out as much as I could when I wasn't actively attracted to someone. She doesn't seem to mind that I'm not thin anymore though...on Tuesday she told me I was a "beautiful woman", which I'm glad that she sees what she does but I have a hard time responding to that because I don't see it. I also have a really negative reaction to the word "woman". I'm not a girl, I'm female, I'm an adult, therefore I am a woman...it's times like these when I realize how fucked the ED is...because to the ED woman = fat as opposed to adult female. Besides my ED'd interpretation of um everything....she's wonderful. And I will not let ED take this away from me.
