Ted Hose Are Sexy

Long overdue update...

2010-05-27T11:32:00.002-04:00

It's been almost a month since my last post. A lot has happened. Senior week came and went, I graduated from college, and am at home for the moment. Still trying to get a job, I have a couple good prospects and I should have something, officially, by the end of tomorrow. I'm really missing my roomies and a couple good friends. I hope I can see them soon, and am grateful to have some people staying in the area.

Senior week was fantastic. I couldn't have asked for a better last week of college. It involved lots of friend-time, goofing off, not much sleep, and was generally a good farewell to a place and people that I've loved for the past four years. So, so much better than being in residential this time last year.

ED-wise, I'm doing really well. Today will be 11 weeks behavior free. Almost 3 months! Crazy thoughts, but crazy good thoughts. I still have those days (like today) where the solution to everything seems to be losing weight...but what good is that going to do? Really...it's just going to make things more difficult. My body will settle where it needs to be once it realizes that I'm not going to starve it again. I really can't blame it - for the past 9 years nutrition has been completely inconsistent, and not adequate for more than 3 weeks. That, plus the malabsorption that I have because of the Celiac...my body's been through hell. I need to give it time. I had an assignment from group to make a list of non-exercise coping skills to use at home. I'll be posting it later, once I find my journal and such. That's going to be a priority today, as I am currently fighting a battle with my ED about whether going for a 3 hour run/bike ride/swim is a symptom. The answer is yes, I know that, and it's not going to happen.

So about a month before I(we) graduated, I started hanging out with this really wonderful, amazing woman who I've known for about two years and have wanted to know better. I really enjoy spending time with her...it's easy. And she makes me happy. We like the same things, I like her friends, she likes mine...all good signs. I do notice that I'm more self-conscious about my body, probably because I am more aware of it and can't just check out as much as I could when I wasn't actively attracted to someone. She doesn't seem to mind that I'm not thin anymore though...on Tuesday she told me I was a "beautiful woman", which I'm glad that she sees what she does but I have a hard time responding to that because I don't see it. I also have a really negative reaction to the word "woman". I'm not a girl, I'm female, I'm an adult, therefore I am a woman...it's times like these when I realize how fucked the ED is...because to the ED woman = fat as opposed to adult female. Besides my ED'd interpretation of um everything....she's wonderful. And I will not let ED take this away from me.

Anniversary

2010-04-28T00:40:00.002-04:00

One year ago today, I was admitted to Renfrew.

Tomorrow, I will have been without eating disorder symptoms for 7 weeks.

This is the longest I've gone without symptoms since before my ED.

This is a good thing.

The anniversary is mostly sad, because I miss Renfrew, I miss the people, I miss my therapist, I miss my nutritionist.

Healing Garden

2010-04-01T21:46:00.001-04:00

Keep coming back, cause it works if you work it, so work it cause you're worth it.

21 days and counting.

19 Days Behavior Free

2010-03-30T21:46:00.002-04:00

That's about it. Life is incredibly stressful, I am waiting to hear from grad schools (Thursday eek!), I am still working on my thesis (theses actually), I'm kind of incredibly annoyed with my nutritionist, and I'd really like to be done with my recital, like, now.

You are a liar

2010-03-25T22:14:00.000-04:00

and you can go fuck yourself.

8 weeks later

2010-03-21T23:34:00.002-04:00

I graduated from IOP on Thursday night. It was time, I'm in a really good place, and I need the 15 hours a week to do school work, not that that was actually considered by my treatment team...

Life's pretty good, despite all the suck that the ex brought to it last week.

I think I may just get this recovery thing.

Dear body...

2010-03-17T00:47:00.001-04:00

I am not happy with you right now.

Sometimes I wish our gym was open 24 hours.

And then I realize...that if that were true, I would never sleep.

Distract, distract, distract

2010-03-14T21:38:00.003-04:00

...is what I'm going to do tonight. The ex is in a relationship on facebook. Two months to the day since he broke up with me for this girl. Seriously, are there any decent people left? I thought he was different. We were planning to spend the rest of our lives together.

I sent him a really sarcastic message and he asked me about grad school in FL. Seriously, seriously, seriously. I can't believe this.

I'm having major urges. And my stomach hurts because I'm so upset about all this.

My plan for coping tonight: knitting, some paper-writing, bed early.

At the end of break...

2010-03-14T00:07:00.002-05:00

I still have a lot to do.

When I was in FL, I managed to get on a somewhat regular sleep/wake schedule, but I can't seem to do that at school. I know it helps to sleep like a normal person, not only because I feel rested, but also because I have enough time so that my day isn't meal-1 hour-snack-another hour-lunch-another hour-snack etcetera until I go to sleep.

So FL - interviews went very well, I liked the school, I could hear as early as Tuesday. It was a bit of a clusterfuck meal plan - wise...but I got back on track and have stayed on track. Struggling to do my food journals even though they help. Mrah. Not to be all down on myself, it's been about 10 days since I purged. I haven't gone that long since November. But, when I got back to IOP on Wednesday, I ended up talking about my slip/relapse in group a little and it was good to "come clean" and get some outside feedback because I was definitely diminishing it. I was able to see that although I had a plan, once I discarded that plan, I didn't have a backup plan, and my default is to restrict, so that's what I did. I experienced this slip/relapse differently, though. First of all, I started to get back on track before I saw my treatment team, went to IOP, or talked to anyone about it, which doesn't happen. I slip, a slip turns into a relapse, and nothing changes until I'm in a crisis situation. Rather, that's how it's always happened in the past. This was also the first time that I was fighting for the healthy decisions throughout the slip/relapse.

Thursday, also in IOP, I got reality checked. I was coming early for a meeting with my case manager, coming from therapy, where L told me that she was really concerned about the possibility of not seeing me for a week after I leave IOP. After doing the behavior review/symptom tracking thing that K does for insurance, she asked me about FL. I told her what happened and how it had really made me question whether I should be going to grad school next year at all. She made a couple of really great points, the first being that maybe FL was just showing me that I wasn't where I thought I was with my recovery. She went on to state the facts about how I needed a program to get through my last semester of college, grad schools in psych don't want a doctoral candidate with an active disorder, if I went to school right now I would probably be asked to leave, all of this stuff that was totally right but really hard to hear. And then she told me what she did, which she said two ways: eat, and go to school, and stop doing what you're doing, and go to school. Powerful stuff. And she's like, legit holysmokes recoverED and I want that so much.

So. With that said, I am eating in pursuit of going to grad school in the fall. This is easier right now because I am on break, no one is here, I don't have class or lab hours or rehearsals or cello lessons. I have to keep in mind that although everyone is telling me that what they want me to do is the most important thing, recovery is the real most important thing, because without my recovery, I will have nothing.

Lose the battle, win the war.

Onwards.

Sketchy 5 AM Story

2010-03-07T07:03:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I have an 8 am flight and had scheduled an airport limo pickup for 5:20 am. I was waiting outside of one of my school's buildings at, maybe...5:18 am. This old, beat up SUV drives down the street, slows down, the driver yells to me, "Do you need a ride?" I say, "No, I've got one, thanks." He backs up, asks me again, asks me what my name is, I take out my phone and say, "I'm not telling you my name."

He left, and the airport van came, and now I'm chilling at logan.

I was incredulous. I've never had an experience like that. It's interesting, though, that my initial reaction is to go to the gym...not to lose weight, but to become more...efficient? Dense? I've never thought that I give off a vibe that I'm easy to pick on...I mean, I'm solid, lots of muscle, built like a bull, same as my dad. I don't know what this guy was smoking, but I'm glad he left, and he's glad I left, because I seriously would've went batshit on his ass.

What. The. Fuck.

Why is this type of behavior okay in our society?

Spring Break

2010-03-06T01:04:00.000-05:00

Wow did it come just in time. The past two weeks have been crazy mostly due to thesisizing. I turned in my draft through results today. It still needs a lot of work, and I know it's going to get torn apart by my advisor and grad student - again. Unfortunately I don't get more than a few days off...because after I get back from SoFla I have to basically write my entire rough draft of my music thesis. Less intense, but still! I thought second semester seniors had it easy. Maybe all the other ones I knew/know just didn't do double honors and work and treatment all at once. Yeah. I think that's it.

I got accepted to Columbia TC's masters program. I applied to the doctoral program...but at least now I know that I am going to grad school, goshdarnit, and you just try to stop me now!

I am also headed to SoFla for another interview. I'm looking forward to it, despite the obvious stress of uhm I don't know interviewing for a Ph.D. program and having to find gluten-free food in an unknown environment. Oh, and Boost. Still have that...going to try to get some on the plane Sunday morning...we'll see how that goes. A very close Renfrew friend and I had spectacular plans for after my interview...but she bailed. For reasons known only to her. Fortunately, I have more than one friend in SoFla, and hopefully will be seeing three or so of them in all of their fabulousness. And sun! Warmth! Yay!

So treatment. I just finished week 6 (WTF that's so long!) of IOP. Two weeks at least left. Things are getting better slowly, I'm more of aware of those annoying emotion things as of recently...as of greater meal plan compliance. And I'm coping? That's only a question because I am so wary of progress, as in the past I was never able to keep it up or even realize when I was no longer piloting the Grace-ship. But yes, the glories of DBT. I will continue to act opposite to emotion, contribute, self-sooth, distract, abstain from the use of "should", be interpersonally effective, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Thursday night we had a difficult DBT group, and the leader (who is also my case manager and ohmygoshshe'ssoawesome) said, "This has been a tough group, as groups tend to be, are you guys okay?" directing the, "you okay" to me and another group member in particular, and once we affirmed our collective okay-ness, she said, "Okay. Well, we have dinner in five minutes. I want you all to use those five minutes to distract, self-sooth, whatever you need to do to return to the present and calm down. I'll be back in five minutes." And it was cool, because it's so uncommon that a DBT group includes like, ACTUAL distress tolerance practice.

Okay. It's late. I only have one more thing that I need to write about: the Lady Gaga song Paparazzi reminds me of my ED. Particularly:

baby you'll be famous, chase you down until you love me papa-paparazzi

and

real good, we dance in the studio snap snap, to that shit on the radio don't stop for anyone we're plastic but we still have fun

Today I hope for:

2010-01-25T08:36:00.000-05:00

1. no pulse deficits (I have IOP so it's critical that I'm stable, or W will want me in PHP)

2. some semblance of concentration despite anxiety about going to iop

3. my thesis draft that I just finished to be better than the last one

4. "look at me oh look at me, is this the way I'll always be? oh no, oh no"

5. the feeling that M's reply to my email gave me to last at least for a few hours

6. inspiration.

7. celebration.

8. a good lab meeting and meeting with my grad buddy

9. time to practice my cello

10. time to do yoga. even if it's just a couple sun salutations.

I hate

2010-01-03T10:53:00.001-05:00

waking up hungry.

overphilosophizing

2009-12-15T22:29:00.000-05:00

I know I'm thinking about things too hard when I start analyzing the etiology of hope. Thich Nhat Hanh doesn't believe that hope is helpful. I don't know if I do either, or if I even have any hope at this point. I don't seem to be able to make meaningful progress in this battle. I feel so close to the way I did seven years ago - and through everything that's happened, six years of therapy, doctor's visits, nutritionists, Renfrew, a Celiac diagnosis, damaging my body (and my mind) with this, I still get thrown off course by the smallest things. An appeals letter that's worded in such a way that I feel like a total fuck up despite graduating on time with honors in both of my majors and applying to grad school at the same time. Somehow this makes me "uncooperative" says HP. Well, they stopped covering me when I was being cooperative and compliant...so what do they want? Yes, I'm not always compliant, and yes, I am very, very stuck right now...but doesn't my desire to move on with things show that I have a plan and if I could just get beyond this place, goddammit, I could get better? I have never had as much hope as I did at Renfrew. My roommate just handed me a paper on which he wrote, "Even if you can't remember...you can!!" I'm not so sure, but maybe I should just take his word for it. :)

Rules.

2009-10-25T02:26:00.000-04:00

This is stuck in my head at 2:30 am. Clearly, it needs to be put in here:

No 3 or 4 letter F-words, fat, fine, or the infamous.

No weights, calories, or numbers.

Speak in the I, not in the we.

Confidentiality is key.

Don't talk about anyone who is not in the room, or tell anyone they're not supposed to be here. (or to get out. added by a fabulous lady)

No cross-talking, no staff-bashing,

Nothing in your lap, and

Stay Present.